For Darkness Is as Light to You
I made a list today. No, not a grocery list, although that is a dire necessity I must tend to in the next hour!
I made a list of childhood injuries- unresolved ones. I say unresolved because even though I should be all healed up after the decades of time that have passed, the truth is, those injuries were locked away with hopes of never having to think on them again, when, instead, they needed to be brought to Christ for His comfort and healing. According to my memory, prayer and trust in the Lord were not our typical responses as a family to the trauma we experienced.
I realized through being attacked by a dog this week that something is amiss. (You can read about the incident here.) I have been thinking the past few days that I am unrecognizable in a time of crisis; it’s as though something snaps. Yesterday, the Lord showed me that it would be beneficial to revisit childhood trauma and bring each instance under the knowledge and wisdom of God.
The tool for bringing light to everything held in darkness is an obvious one for me- Psalm 139. I heard Alistair Begg quoting these words over the radio when I drove myself to the doctor the day of the attack. This chapter of Scripture abounds in beautiful truths concerning the Lord’s knowledge of all our ways. “If I make my bed in the depths, You are there” (v.8). There were many times as a child that I made my bed in fear, in shame and in confusion. Today the Lord assures me that He was there in those times of unrest. His thoughts toward me- precious and more numerable than the grains of sand (vv.17-18).
Revelation I gained today: there is immense value in revisiting times of childhood trauma for the purpose of re-wallpapering the mind concerning them. These memories can never be erased, but they can be sweetened by the fact that God was there, He knew, and He miraculously brought me to this place to be healed and free from injury. In addition, I find great value in speaking death over the continuation of those acts of carelessness and sin. By the grace of God’s attentive love, the attitudes and behaviors leading to traumatic events will not continue through me, impacting my children.
A beautiful way to begin your own journey to healing is this prayer found in Psalm 139:23-24-
Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
Free because He knows me,